The number crunchers at CBO projected that the deficit for the current fiscal year will come to $960 billion. It’s just our current life circumstances (aka my fuckups and underachieving over the last half decade, which is what’s causing all of this self blame and kicking myself) that make this so fucking difficult on top of how poorly I've responded to the breakup due to not having any other positive outlets (which I'm sure adds insult to injury in her eyes as I "don't have much of a life"). He blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes. That’s been the case the last few times I had slept with her in her bed. That was the case for me. Even if I’m now cognizant of my faults/the issues in the relationship, it still doesn’t make anything feel better. It’s worse than the first love situation due to the aspect of collective loss (which also permeates to loss of friendship when I know I lost friends I can’t even go and free porn cuming pussy see now to get my mind off of this). The whole gamut. I just can’t stop obsessing (thus shooting myself in the foot even worse). I really love and adore this girl with all of my heart and I just can’t stand to see myself lose her after only a few months after it took me several YEARS to come to a point to open up/give my heart up to someone else after my first love.



BUT, if you take away all of the pressures, when it’s just her and I, our chemistry is unlike anything else I have personally ever experienced (and in between my two heartbreaks, after my first love ripped my heart out and took a dump in my chest cavity, I had my "manwhore" phase towards the end of college and I’m somewhere in the triple digits as far as any "body count" goes (thank god came out the other side clean and unscathed, std wise). As I'm sure it's because she thinks I'll always be there waiting with love no matter what. If I never pressured her, and whenever we still do see one another even after we’ve broken up, it’s my constant pushing and spilling my heart out that pushes her back away each time she thinks of inching closer. Anybody and everybody I end up talking to, the topic of conversation finds a way to make it back to her and the situation. Since I have a baby face, she wishes I both "looked older" and behaved/treated the situation differently.



But it became obvious a couple days ago when we last talked that I needed to let the situation be for a little while and let her be the one to come to me if she wanted. Hell, I’d even venture to say that while we’re still in (now more distant) communication, she was probably more attracted to me at the time of us breaking up a month ago than she is right now based off of how I’ve emotionally responded to her/the breakup. Each species was sticking roughly to their own groups, though Matt noted there were many more humans in this area than the mech sectors. "Let-ah!-me go!" Matt pushed at the snow leopard’s muscled shoulders, but she was incredibly strong. I feel it’s only a matter of time before she ends up sleeping with somebody else (if she truly hasn’t already) and/or dating someone else, and it hurts indescribably, regardless of whether it ultimately works out or not. She knows how I feel now and there is no stone left unturned/nothing further I could possibly say to her.



It just doesn’t make sense to me how in a matter of just a few short weeks, she could go from "always loving me forever" and always NATURALLY laughing/smiling together to how cold and distant it is now. I’m back home from finishing up my final day at my seasonal gig (now gearing up to begin prepping beginning on Monday for said licensing exams). For a small period, you're actually using your arms to keep you up before placing your feet back down. And each time I push her back away, I’m worried that I’m going to lose her to one of these other meathead douchebags online with nothing to lose/no feelings attached who’ll catch her attention from just keeping it cool/"alpha" which is why I keep acting/behaving out of short term desperation. When we had broken up on a Friday I left her alone entirely after the second night (Sunday) and she had messaged me on Friday 5 days later jumpstarting the communication back up. A couple days later that Monday she had also offered me to stop by to grab my AirPods that I had left with a couple pieces of clothing (before leaving for dinner), but I said it’s no big deal and I’d just get them the next time we were together (and then suggested this Saturday a couple evenings ago when we had last talked which she said that she could not).



When I last saw her last week at the dinner I mentioned (where I spilled for an hour and a half before leaving), since things went well, when we got back to her place, she invited me to stay over in her bed for the first time since the first or second week after the breakup. TL;DR: I’m 29, have been depressed and unmotivated and have tremendously underachieved for the last half decade of my life. I’m truly beginning to lose it with each passing day. I’m about to go to the gym in a little while and wanted to submit this post before leaving. I just need to leave things be for a while and give her her space, as difficult and impossible as it is for me. I think I covered most of the pertinent things. When I bring any of this up and act needy/reminiscent/closer to her, the closest things to any answer I can get from her is that our "timing" (in life) is just off and when I demand any sort of answer as to what made her lose attraction (whether it’s me physically/my physical actions/behaviors or whether it’s mental and emotional errors), she says it’s a little of both.